this post is literally unpolished, meant to highlight some thoughts i had on a saturday and need to express…even messily.

sometimes i can’t tell what reality and what’s in my head. 

sometimes i can’t tell the difference between what actually happening around me and what i perceive to be happening around me. 

i live with an inattentive form of adhd, plus i’m a high-functioning autistic woman. 

though i live in the black and white space, my reality is overly colorful and nuanced. its hard living in it sometimes because i can’t seem to explain it right to people or i’m led to believe its something else there. 

in turn, sometimes it can be a challenge just accessing what real. 

i tell myself i’m not crazy because i’m intelligent and i feel so deeply. my brian functions differently and people say “i understand you” (when they dont actually) or “i just need to know who i’m dealing with.”

its true, yet somewhat what hurtful i guess, ya know!?

but what do i do? deal with the confusing attitudes by just saying “i take accountability” or “i’ll adjust” or “i’ll ‘fix’ my behavior.”

sometimes i do feel like i need to be fixed or i have to change. honestly (an in reality), i just want to be deeply understood without that pressure or expectation (because people don’t get it). 

i’m not one to use my mental processing or capacity as a crutch.

truthfully, i’ve felt people don’t necessarily believe me when I say tell them i’m neurodivergent. it could be due to me being a Black, high-functioning woman. 

people already see me as intimidating so, of course, they don’t think its because i have a hard time controlling my facial expressions or my monotone voice or masking in everyday, social situations. 

nah, that’s not the thought in 2026 lol. 

the thought is i’m mean.

i’m stuck up or anitsocial.

i’m rude because i’m blunt.

i’m difficult becuase i’m technical or logical or call out inaccuracy.

or…i’m too much lol. 

as i’ve been accepting and getting comfortable in my audhd, i just feel like the empathy i once had via such strong masking, is now showing up in a less-than-normal way or precieved as such. 

i’m empathic for sure, just now its clearer that it shows up differently and i essentially learned different from masking since like forever lol. 

i’m just more logical or i have more of a problem-solving manner when it comes to empathy.

i don’t always have the words to say “i get it.” its more so how can we not let this happen again? or what’s the pattern?

but i guess you have to know who you’re dealing with. for me, that translates to, “here’s the time to mask.”

i recently realized validating emotions or actions tied to a pattern isn’t easy for me. i can be too blunt in addressing the pattern instead of “softening” to give comfort as it can be uncomfortable for me sometimes. 

its not that i don’t feel or can’t feel, i just can also see very well, spotting out patterns that are harmful or just in place overall. 

its sucks kinda lol. 

-signed g the e.