it’s been a month.

honestly, february was rough. it was Black History Month, and i honestly felt like a slave.

i was juggling pressure from work and my personal life. i’m still navigating my relationship, which is still kinda fresh.

and on top of it, my body completely hated me.

it was the first time i basically had a month-long period. i was fighting my own body, trying to find some ease…but it never really came.

i’ve been in a “keep everything in order” mindset. things around me aren’t where they can to be i guess, and february just strained me.

it’s not that i’m not in a good or stable place. it’s that circumstances around me aren’t.

i’ve always adapted. i’ve always tuned in. i’ve always been dependable.

but do i have that in return? can i truly depend on someone to show up consistently?

from my perspective, no. 

doing something once or twice isn’t consistent—so how can i trust it? is it all trust issues on my end, or just trauma-based, adhd-coded pattern recognition?

if something is consistent and reliable, we use it, buy it, trust it. that’s why i stick to brands i know will deliver like apple, for example. not perfect, but reliable enough.

shouldn’t that apply personally? relationally?

my therapist once told me relationships should be a little like a job. why should i “hire” (date) you, you know? isn’t it fair to expect someone to be qualified?

and it’s more about being patient while someone proves reliability despite their resume.

sure, hard times happen. but why should the employer wait for you? they interview multiple candidates. they don’t follow up unless you’ve shown you can do the work.

reliability is a pillar of trust.

relationships share that same pillar. if i can’t feel comfortable letting go because you lack responsibility or consistency, how can i truly enjoy my time?

i’ve been told to “wait” and “be patient” so many times—all because i was ahead, all because i had some stability that made me trustworthy.

a fucking safety net.

but why should i trust someone who i’m not sure can get me out of a funk? financially, emotionally, or otherwise?

february stressed me with all this thinking and the conversations around it. i even went on a “vacation” that didn’t feel like one. it was a birthday gesture for my partner.

the trip was okay, but i didn’t relax at all.

i carried most of the emotional weight, just trying to keep plans on track. it was okay.

it is what it is.

now it’s the second week of march, and i’m tired.

i’m tired of constantly adjusting for someone else. relationships are a two-way street. agreed.

but i don’t have to wait around when i feel pressure from all sides. i won’t come to the rescue, and i’m not as patient anymore.

i deserve relief. i deserve safety.