*written amid an “impromptu” hair appointment on january thirty-first.*

so i’m being asked questions i’ve never been asked before…

*i recollected as i sat in the salon chair with over one-hundred locs being palmrolled and two-strand twisted, watching some dramatization of bill clinton and his adulterous escapades with monica lewinsky.*

there are still so many things that should be normalized within society—especially within the Black community.

talking about sensitive topics like sex or abuse openly still feels like this universally taboo ass thing we’re not really taught how to do.

this could apply to other races, sure, but my experience is Black, and i know this to be true for my culture.

i’ve even heard it from my therapist. (and i have two of them.)

my sex therapist opened my eyes to the fact that i’m not normalizing conversations around what gets me going, or the safety i need, as someone who’s experienced sexual trauma and abuse.

and my girlfriend made it real for me.

i’ve made a post before talking about affection and my experiences with intimacy. i’m open about what i deal with on this blog and with her.

recently, she asked me questions i’d never been asked before. questions people in the past never cared enough to ask me.

“do you get aroused?”

“what gets you aroused?”

i was embarrassed.

not only did i not have direct answers, i was caught off guard.

i thought: no one has ever cared enough to really talk to me about what gets me going. it’s always been about following the lead—just going with it—even when i didn’t want to.

i think i was ashamed too.

how could i not know what makes me hot and bothered?
why isn’t it clear to me?

i’m twenty-five and i don’t even know how or what gets me horny. smh.

*sighs*

my sex therapist says the root of some of these “concerns” stems from a lack of safety—not just physical, but emotional too.

i wasn’t given the chance to really establish safety in the bedroom, or even in my own mind. relationships were built more out of lust and insecurity than intention.

so i spent a lot of time appeasing.

i didn’t care whether i liked something or if it felt good. i cared about the attention. plain and simple.

i felt obligated to fulfill “duties,” and i believed my body was the way to get what i wanted, even when i wasn’t sure what that was.

now i have to sit with that.

so i can change.
so i can show up for my partner.
so i can expand my experiences and make them more pleasurable.

i won’t lie…it’s intimidating. it’s uncomfortable. sex has always had that effect on me lol.

sure, i might be asexual-shaped, but i still experience some moments of lust and passion.

i just don’t always know how it happens or when to expect it. it just…happens, typeshit.

something i’ll have to untangle is how to express when i’m “hot in the pants,” and what those indicators even look like for me.

i’m grateful pipsqueak had this conversation with me. i want to improve…just on my own time, you know?

i want to be a better partner, but i don’t want to lose myself the way i have in the past. i want everything i do to be authentic.

me and pipsqueak’s conversation ended with curiosity, i think.

i’m curious why i don’t know these things about myself.
and i think she’s curious for me to figure them out.

these questions i’ve never been asked are honestly guiding my 2026 personal growth journey.

the more i know about myself, the better i feel.
the better i can love myself…and show up for my inner child.

-signed g the e.