DISCLAIMER: this post is quite vulnerable and was written during a time of silent, personal reflection. It is meant to be a form of expression and nothing more. 

words have meaning.

context is everything, right?

what do you when your words are taken out of context? or they are interpreted in a manner that you didn’t intend?

as a writer, i know that my words can impact people. that’s the sign of a good writer. but that impact can be good or it can be “bad.”

and what do you do as a writer when you choose to process through writing but, again, someone takes it the wrong way or believes it directly applies to them?

should the writer apologize for their work? 

but context, i guess is my issue. i talk a lot about things i’ve gone through and i use my blog as a safe space where i don’t have to go by rules or make people feel good. 

i just write. i just feel. 

it’s not pointed. it’s just my experience and i how i choose to process the ongoing noise in my head.

that doesn’t seem to matter when someone feels impact by said words. your intent no longer matters because now you have to, in essence, apologize for expressing yourself. 

i think that’s why i feel as if i can’t really be myself in spaces. i’m always critiqued or watched.

like this is my safe place, and now i’m questioning whether it actually is when outside information trickles in, saying that impact hits closer to home than you think.

my main thought most of the time is ‘why can’t i just be?” like why do i have to make adjustments everytime?

it’s probably why i feel like i’ve never been truly relaxed before. 

don’t fuck up. dont make a mistake. you’ll be punished, you’ll be seen a less than—incompetent. 

so writing is where i feel the most like myself. *like there’s no all seeing eye watching my every move or this feeling of being watched or that i can’t make a mistake. 

*slight reflective note: i understand that this space is public so techincally there are “all seeing” eyes. the feeling came from thinking that people don’t take the time to read my blog, just sorta sending stuff into the void. people do read though lol. i’m grateful for y’all.

some of that is on me. i forget to celebrate myself in my current position in life. there’s always the next level i’m trying to get to, ya know!?

i think the root comes from how i raised. 

i couldn’t really just be as a kid or teenage. all i knew was pressure. especially from my dad. 

i’m sure he was hard on my siblings but i wasn’t around, so what i can say is he was quite hard on me during my time growing up.

i had pressure on my back from my dad since like third grade. i can vividly hear my dad telling me that i had to get straight a’s like i could not get anything less. 

if i did, i was whooped. good ‘ol corporal punishment. that slavery-coded ass shit honestly. it kept me in check for sure but at what costs, ya know?

i’d get whooped for the minor-est of offenses and then chastised when i didn’t know there was a rule or standard in place. like my dad did a number on me.

my dad always wanted the best. then my family, again, always had something to say whether it was something about me being weird, the career path i chose, my weigh at the time, how i looked, etc. 

it be ya own people type shit. 

those experiences shaped me. i’m in therapy, so i’m working on unlearning so of it. 

but i’d be lying if i say that trauma isn’t still here…so? i write.

i write in order to escape the constant critique and responsibilities i have every day. i write so i don’t ruminate on my mistakes or the imperfections of something. i write so i can handle it all. 

and i’ve been somewhat defensive about this space and my wrtting as i express this. 

if things i write make people uncomfortable, how can i be comfortable sharing my truth in the way that feels raw and 100% me!?

it’s not fair lol. at all.

so again, what do you when your words are taken out of context? or they are interpreted in a manner that you didn’t intend?

should the writer apologize? or change?

or does it take an audience that can empathize? an audience that can genuinely feel that my words are my words and not take it as a general or permanent statement on things in my life (unless stated otherwise).

this blog is my safe space. i shouldn’t question what i’ve built for myself when the world continues to tear meaningful things down. 

BUT…

my blog isn’t private and i know people close to me want to experience my inner world as i see it…via my writing.

i guess the pen is genuinely mightier than the fucking sword. 

*chuckles*

i just wanted this space to be, i guess free, from the judgement. this is the one place where i can have something to myself other than my physical journal, so i just wanted to protect that. 

answering my own question, the writer shouldn’t feel unsafe in safe space they’ve created. 

at the same time, i guess, its fair to find a balance so this space can exist as it is, without being taken as something more.

because two truths can exist at the same time.