i’m frustrated, i guess.

i took basically a whole year to get to know myself, to live my truth, and now it feels like I’m being asked to change again.

Change, when it’s not done on my own time, feels like a mask. It feels unauthentic and frail. I’m not saying I’m unwilling to grow — I’m saying that rushing me won’t make anything real.

Lately, I’ve had parts of myself brought to my attention that seem to create a slight rift in understanding with people I care about.

But my focus right now is my “flaws” concerning sex and intimacy.

I’ve always struggled in these areas because my way of expressing is atypical.

I need more than a quick make-out session or a spontaneous moment. My “flaws” are tied directly to my neurodivergence. Sex comes with a lot of unknowns, and when it’s rushed, I just go with it. I can’t care or focus because it stops being about my needs at all.

That was repetitive with the men I dated in the past. I was also pretty broken. so, I went along with whatever, ya know?

But now… it’s 2026, and the “issues” are still here. Not as damage, but as parts of myself people don’t always understand. People get frustrated because I’m a little different.

Like not being much of an initiator when it comes to intimacy because it feels performative and unnatural. Or being slow to engage because I’m either unfocused or overstimulated. Physical affection makes me feel — speaking transparently — weird. I don’t always know what to do with my hands or how long a kiss should last or what’s supposed to happen next.

The outward forms of affection aren’t as innate to me.

And it sucks, because I feel like it impacts me personally. I’m in a relationship now, and I still fear being left because I’m different — “too much” for someone.

My relationship with sex was never great. There were fun moments, sure, but they existed because I wasn’t aware of myself or the pain I was carrying. I coped with sex and quick attachments.

That lack of care for myself shifted last year. I didn’t want to have sex unless it was right. Unless I felt safe. I didn’t want to be used again.

And now I’m frustrated with myself because I feel like a question mark.

Where do I fit when it comes to love and intimacy? Will there ever be a space where I can be who I am without adjustments, misunderstandings, or critiques? Will I ever be able to just be, while someone else experiences me?

But relationships are a two-way street. My girlfriend reminds me of that…often.

I don’t know.

It just feels like I always have to conform or change for someone else.

Or maybe… I’m just selfish?

-signed g the e.