finally over it?

and noooo, i haven’t listened to summer walker’s album (yet).

fuck it. i’ve struggled during this time of year for the last two years. i feel it again. it seemed that as soon as december greeted me with a cool touch—like the other side of the pillow—it passed on an essence of… traumatic nostalgia.

i use that phrase because it best illustrates a state i seem to ebb and flow in and out of.

so, why “traumatic nostalgia” specifically?

uh, well… about two years ago, i went through something that changed me. it broke me into pieces that laid the foundation for the new version of myself i’ve spent tinkering with.

i’ve talked about this pivotal moment on my youtube channel, but i didn’t express it here. written. i also spoke on this topic when i thought i needed to defend myself from a narrative—actually not a narrative but a ruse. a stratagem.

one that, speaking plainly, credulous people seemed to believe and claim as truth.

those folk? green and fucking gullible. i won’t spend time on the plot holes—just me moving through this as a better and stronger version of g.

twenty-twenty-three.

a relationship had run its course. ya know, as they do sometimes. 

i had endured what i thought to be love, partnership, and “trust.” later i learned that those components were manipulated forms of control, weaponized incompetence, and dishonor.

i was naive.

he—and i think i’m being fair when i say this—was two-faced. there was a side of him i wasn’t exposed to until i was finishing college back home in north carolina. the red flags were grey… because i didn’t know. i just felt like i had to push through.

now, i was lacking self-awareness. i was focused on a goal that i thought would be “achieved” with this former person. in reality, i was doing what seemed like thrice the work.

i was used.

been reflecting a lot lately … and im not a bad person. i was used and blindsided by people who may had good intentions at first, but then saw who i was becoming. so, they felt the need to dim my light.

never letting that happen EVER again.

— g tha e-princess. (@babyfollowedbyg) December 18, 2023

drive can be a drug for people who don’t have it. in this personal experience of mine, the innate internal flow of my ambition was channeled and seemingly siphoned to empower a deceptive superiority complex.

it’s laughable, really. at twenty-three, there’s an older college dropout envious of my determination to be great. lol, if i was a man he’d look at me as possible motivation or something, no?

but alas, this reflection makes the holes in the plot so much more noticeable.

anywhos, as 2023 winded down, so did my patience. i was gaining a newfound awareness of self and womanhood. i was tired of being placed in a box or on a shelf. tired of feeling unimportant, unloved, and frankly unattractive.

siphoned.

once this awareness spread, it was like a wildfire. i was confused but needed to burn typeshit. i had to learn the hard way in this situation, y’all.

(little did i know… i’m a fucking phoenix.)

i cherished that pain though. it left emotional wounds that seared my flesh and burns on the framework of my mental. i cherished that pain because i learned to take care of it myself without looking for someone or something to aid me back to health.

sure, i was given the tools by my therapist. but using them consistently was a struggle.

i left that failure-turned-lesson of a relationship following the discovery of financial mishandlings, prolonged physical and internet infidelity, plus a suspicion of porn addiction.

it was tough. it was fucking christmas day at that.

but the lessons from this experience didn’t really click until the coming year.

twenty-twenty-four.

this was the year of the failed attempts to date and “get over” that past romantic experience. i attempted to use the tools bestowed upon me. but i wasn’t listening to myself. i thought i needed something from the outside world… like another person.

but i was wrong. a light bulb that was glowing dimly saw a crack actively growing in size as the heat swiftly cooled and the fuse melted.

i think i was nearing my wits’ end around the same season as i led with, writing this post. it was the brisk months that reminded me of that melted fuse.

only this season was heading toward such deep darkness. it would be only me, bleak loneliness, and my brain. would i eventually snap and somewhat lose it? to foreshadow: yes.

but only when i lost it did i learn that i was using the tools improperly.

i fucking thought i needed them to build and fix others. no bitch, the tools were specifically designed to for me to rebuild myself from the inside.

i realized i was given hammers and nails that served as boundaries. nuts and bolts to tighten my self-confidence. screwdrivers and drills to secure my self-awareness. and so on.

i learned some things by the crisp end of 2024, when things truly snapped. but they snapped into place typeshit, following another failed situationship with another being with x and y chromosomes.

to loosely quote, i was so “unstable” and “unhealthy” that i “shouldn’t be dating anyone.”

maybe. but it was a realization i was forced to come to after months of emotional turbulence from his doing and that of my own.

i ended things and released my grip on everything. the darkness came and i was siloed—isolated not only physically but mentally. since learning the true use and value of my therapeutic tools, i chose to take off my battered armor. i didn’t want to fight or be a savior anymore.

it was like a mask.

and as the year of the jubilee reared its head, i only had self-preservation in mind.

twenty-twenty-five

i started slow. but slow didn’t mean easy.

i tended to my injuries—those burns and scars. i mended my bones that saw shrapnel and debris. i welded the rigid pieces of my heart back together again, encapsulating the soft bits that deserved unwavering protection.

i forged myself out of the embers of pain that were left smoldering. it all combusted into something daring. something divine. a person whose been deserving of her own self-love.

and a phoenix arose from the soot.

all year i’ve seen improvement and growth—personally, professionally, and psychologically.

still, there’s a feeling—a twinge of that traumatic nostalgia. it’s not overpowering. it’s just there, and i noticed.

but i am a different person. those seasons withered away what i thought was “negative” about me. sure, i’m still learning and improving, but there was no “negative” frfr.

just misunderstandings. i wasn’t tapped into my intuition. i wasn’t listening to my inner self, my inner child. 

i don’t think i’m sad after reflecting. i have been napping a little more lately, but maybe it’s because i’m a nocturnal animal!!?? seasonal depression flare up!!??

to conclude…

it’s all honestly a combination of recollection, rest, and renovation for the year to come.

these last few months of 2025 have been worth all the doctoring and surgery i’ve done to and for my self-improvement. i wouldn’t have met my passionate girlfriend who’d do anything for me. i wouldn’t have known what to do with her, honestly.

i would’ve fucked it up foooor suuuurrre lol.

but despite feeling somewhat down during this time of year, i’m glad that i have someone—someone who can lift me back up and who cares enough to do so in the manner that works best for me and what we have.

(and does it willingly, heavy on that, after i’ve endured such turmoil.)

i told pipsqueak i was grateful for her and what we have back on thanksgiving. i meant that shit.

i guess great things do come in small packages.

—signed g the e.