lately, i’ve been finding myself in a place of confusion. i’ve been focusing on myself since the year started, and that’s a great thing.

i feel like there are lingering thoughts even after i think i’ve processed something. an example? relationships and the whole love shit.

i find myself wondering whether the pain i’ve felt — real and phantom — is somehow impacting the people i dated. all the men i chose to date or have sex with have not been as kind or patient with me as i may have been with them.

i wasn’t my best at all, and that’s real. however, my heart was always real, and i was doing so much with little help. it’s been so hard just getting to where i am now.

but there’s no pat on my back or real acknowledgment. it’s like i didn’t get the same grace from men. how could i?

they are innately incapable of true love unless they unlearn what they’ve been conditioned to be. animals.

i was so lost.

i’m not there anymore. i’m more me. more security. more stern. more creative. more than life.

yet, i still feel some urge to date or entertain some makeshift situationship. i don’t need that. i’m not built in that way.

i want to connect deeply, yet freely. i don’t feel safe doing that with people now.

granted, part of that is due to me still navigating my identity as a “newly” queer person. (sidebar: this is the first time i think i’ve really said or mentioned that i’m queer on the blog.)

hidden agendas are always the common denominator outside of me. like, one guy i “talked” to last year was based in sexual relations. i’ll refer to him as “shortie,” but everything between us was mutual. however, i developed feelings that i was upfront about.

i shouldn’t have done that. that was the moment i should’ve learned to never tell a man that you like him. as soon as you do, the ego in them is overly inflated, and they think they “got you” — now that you’re reeled in.

this honestly was not worth as much time as i gave him. he has a daughter, and he’s probably, more than likely, a sex addict. i say that because of how we “fell out.”

it was kinda messy but not like crash-out crazy, ya know!?

i started taking my power back after dating shortie and one other guy. the other guy was bad news as soon as i met him.

but taking my power back meant weeding out the weaklings, if you will.

men are lustful beings. their nature is to conquer and fuck. this is just facts plus observation.
to drive this point home: shortie basically got into a relationship maybe a couple weeks after coming on to me one day — this was after i had already told him i wasn’t having sex with him or anyone anymore.

he kinda took it too far when we were hanging out one time. but there was no intercourse.

after that encounter, he’s somehow in a relationship with some girl that he probably had sex with while fooling around with me.
i found out about the ordeal whenever he called or FaceTimed one time and basically said he didn’t want to date me.

that was real. maybe he was dating for other reasons. however, i know the truth.

shortie broke up with whoever he was dating and came back around, though i still wasn’t on that type of time anymore.
we were actually becoming friends, but then… the lust.

because he and i were not being intimate anymore, he hopped back into that “relationship” based on sex.
he just wanted access to sex and chose to cover it up by saying he wanted to take dating seriously.

i was disappointed — angry, even.
i was basically rejected after all that intimacy, and like, actually feeling like he was my friend even after we stopped having sex.

i have reasons why he may not have wanted to date me — my mental health, or maybe having no experience with kids/teens, or something else.

i should’ve never told him i liked him. but i did because that’s who i am.
i don’t want to hide my feelings, and sometimes i can’t.

nowadays, though, i’m not given a choice when it comes to dating.

being upfront gets you left, and hiding gets you left. so i’ll just be fully me in my solitude.

i wrote in my journal questioning why i get upset when it comes to seeing couples and romantic shit now, and it’s because of my experience.

i am attracted to men, but i do not believe in them. at all. even the “good” ones. fallacy.
even some of my male friends are the same way with women, and i see it up close.

men suck.

– signed, g tha e.