murky waters,
somewhere to swim.
camouflaged is the shadow
of layered yet alluring fins.
a mermaid, perhaps?
a creature with siren melodies that of goddesses.
crimson ginger locs play hide and seek
with eyes that can tell the future.
never seen until the hours of the witch.
a glow irritates the swamp-esque bayou,
gurgling with perceived notions of
the sea-maiden’s reticent luminescence.
the bog of shame is pierced
by the nymph’s alabaster gaze,
just below her defined water line.
just to peek into what safe feels like.
sleek skin emerges with moonlight,
crying through its reflection upon her skin.
ripples beneath webbed feet kiss her heels.
her freedom is in the essence of calypso.
by the water she was birthed, able to flow.
eyes upon her drew fear or even lust.
here, back by the murky waters…
is the mermaid where her songs ring free.
arcane /är’kān/. adjective. “understood by few: mysterious or secret.”
this poem has nothing to with the show that’s loved by myself as well as millions of other folks. no, this piece is more so about the true definition of the word.
i wrote this piece as well as a few others as i’ve been away for about a month.
this piece, though, is fresh.
accountability.
i’ve recently been reflecting on my past romantic encounters and i was thinking about whether i’m an accountable person. have i accepted my mistakes and choices when it came to romantic interest?
i put out a youtube video late last year going through the lessons i learned. i felt like i was taking accountability then.
however, i saw a video on tiktok talking about women’s accountability. apparently, seeing the patterns of a person and still choosing them is an issue.
however what about the other end of things? i’ve experienced the masks and facades of men throughout my dating career. i should’ve maybe listened to “myself” when i was still in nc.
i just wasn’t truly aware of how to be alone or cope at that time of my life. or even…leave something when its hurting me.
i thought i wanted love and to be loved even though i was operating without a clear example and language of what that was or meant.
so, there was an instance of guilt and shame when it came to whether im actually accountable. i know i am. however there had been a nagging feeling on the other side of this.
unpacking.
at first there was confusion. i was confused becuase i felt like the whole “accountabilty” conversation seemed to be basically directed towards women.
for me, it’s honestly case by case. and a lot of shit is that way. in my video last year, i took accountability saying i wasn’t the best partner yet i was there to support and push for something better. (it was all based in and on potential.)
but confusion made me think i didn’t take responsibllity or that i was crazy.
what followed next was guilt blended with some shame.
i felt some gulit around this because of a recent “encounter” via social media.
recently, i had some choice words through sub tweets directed at my ex. granted, i was on his social media (when i shouldn’t have been) and saw something that was blatantly about me.
i accept that.
it’s a random habit that i’m working on honestly. its like an urge sometimes. randomly comes and goes. it was worse last year as i was grieving the relationship of two and a half years that concluded at the tail end of 2023.
the last tweet he put out stuck with me; “its been almost two years, please let that shit go.” it made me laugh yet feel a bit devious.
so responded with subs back, of course.
that was sorta the last tweet i put out about it. i also made a tiktok rant about it. becuase it was genuine.
it was raw.
i did have some thoughts on whether i said things in a manor that could’ve been more “polite” or well-spoken i guess. like did i “carry” myself well or something like that.
i meant what said though.
i also thought about my need for direct and clear communication regardless of the medium or platform. i believe that was me doing so, being overly clear and direct.
i felt some gulit though.
not becuase i thought i spoke something untrue or felt my feelings but, again, could i have said it “better” (lol, whatever that means)!?
but i came to the conclusion that my experience shouldn’t be invalidated or “let go” all for the sake of someone else’s comfortability.
especially that predatory, weak, and lame ass nigga.
and where i am now, i feel myself restorating who i actually am and how i’m evolving into a more austere, diablerie, and elevated version of myself.
i don’t want people i dislike—hate even, to be comfortable. they never made me feel comfort with their hiden agendas, so why do i have to be quiet?
resoultion.
“my experince(s) won’t be invalidated for the sake of anyone’s comfortability.”
a simple change of wording can be the shift anyone needs to make or break themselves. as i’ve grown, emotionally and mentally, i will only please myself and be fucking loud about it.
i’m learning that how others percieve me is not my problem. no one who’s “judging” me actually knows me personally enough to do so.
not many have heard my story and asked how i felt or anything. i had to defend myself all because of lies and how someone else judged me. even made me a “villain.”
there was a picture painted of me, by my ex, that confused the reference point of something real versus manuiplated.
to quote myself from a journal entry on 05/02/25:
“i want to feel some freedom—liberation even. i want to say what i want. how i feel,” i said. “What i went through was so harsh on me … [and] i feel a lot more safe with myself, probably the most safe i’ve [ever] been with myself to be honest.”
and that’s how i arrived at this piece, “arcane.”
today.
“arcane” explores the inner tide of a woman, myself, who has often been hidden, misunderstood, or mythologized by others.
it’s like a quiet reclaiming of my identity through the imagined body of a mermaid — alluring, layered, and free on my own terms. and without the preconceived notions.
i really hope that “arcane” invokes some sort of emotion in you. writing is how i cope with the ups and downs of my journey, and i wanted to share that today.
this piece may become part of a collection of works i’m building, highlighting self-acceptance and my complexities.
we’ll see.
-signed, g tha e.
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